We didn’t become the intellectual top of the food chain to look at pornography and cat videos. The Internet is literally the greatest invention of modern humanity, and we use this collective consciousness to make morons like Kim Kardashian famous and discuss that stupid fucking dress. 

We could have actually cured all known disease with this kind of networking, and we instead use it for duckface, outfits of the day, Throwback Thursdays and people hurting themselves on skateboards.

From an evolutionary standpoint, it’s like discovering fire and using it to light our farts.

 I’m sick of it. I’m sick of seeing a group of friends all out for a drink, their faces lit by some perverse blue limelight around the table as they each stare into the abyss of knowledge that is the World Wide Web, catching up with friends in a messaging app instead of the ones sat around the same table.

I’m sick of Tinder, where (as I read only earlier this week) you can essentially order a person to your door like a pizza – a prostitute without payment.

I’m sick of people being obsessed with likes, follows, and shares. There is hardly any more original content – just things that align with your way of thinking. What happens when the thinkers get lazy, too? Where will you lead these followers you have attained? The human mind likes to feel important, and social media just gives it an outlet: We’re engaged! I love this holiday! Look at my baby/puppy/sandwich!

Can we also stop saying “so-and-so is going to break the Internet?”, as if it’s an attainable goal? You and I both know that we’d all be terrified, quivering meat if this commodity were taken away from us. I include myself.

Actually, that’s not a bad idea: turn off the Internet for a month. Fuck it, just a week. Maybe then we’ll learn how to talk to each other again, how to be nice to one another again. Maybe, once everyone freaks the hell out, and the weak have had their nervous breakdowns, we ship them off, and we start again.

Bus stops, bank line-ups, and backyards would be full of small talk again.

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