Note: Below is an editable letter to your representative. Now, we know that you don’t have to be political to reach out to those who represent you, as representatives come in all shapes and sizes; some represent on behalf of government, some on behalf of a product or company, some are just friends you’ve delegated to speak for you when you’re at a party and don’t feel like socializing because you actually don’t know as many people at this party as you thought and now it’s awkward. Feel free to use this letter in any which way you’d like.
We’ve filled in some blanks, but the hard part, sending the damn thing, that’s up to you. Instructions below.
Dear Representative,
I’m sure you’ve noticed things are a little, well, off. Everyone’s a bit on edge.
The world has gone a skosh crazy.
It feels nice to know that someone is out there personifying the experience of my community, the RESIDENTS OF YOUR DISTRICT/CONSUMERS OF YOUR PRODUCT/FRIENDS AT THIS PARTY and taking time to impact necessary change. I wanted to take a moment to write to you to make sure we’re on the same page.
I have been a SUPPORTER/ADVOCATE/STAUNCH ENEMY of your CAMPAIGN/PRODUCT/FRIENDSHIP since the first time I HEARD YOUR NAME/SAW THAT OFFENSIVE COMMERCIAL YOU AIRED/ACCEPTED YOUR FRIEND REQUEST. I have seen people come together and RALLY AROUND/MARCH AGAINST/BRAG ABOUT you and your cause. I’ve definitely been a BENEFICIARY/VICTIM of your WORK/PRODUCT/EXISTENCE. At this point, I only have sheer APPRECIATION/DISGUST/AWE for the BILLS YOU’VE PASSED/TRASH YOU’VE CREATED/VIBES YOU’RE SPREADING.
It is important to know and continue to ask what the people want. The conversations between representatives and those they represent are what make our DEMOCRACY/CAPITALISTIC MARKET/HAPPY HOURS thrive and prosper. It is when our reps choose to think only of themselves, selfishly ignoring those they once began to make change on behalf of, that we find ourselves in sticky situations, which is where it seems we’re very close to landing. Now, more than ever, is the time for CIVIL RIGHTS/EARTH CONSCIOUS PACKAGING/TWO-FOR-ONE MARGARITAS.
I think about the generation being born around me. The kids who will grow up with futuristic drones and yet antiquated SEGREGATED DISTRICT LINES/TRAVEL BANS/GIANT PLASTIC STRAWS THAT DON’T REALLY MAKE IT EASIER TO DRINK AND ARE RUINING THE ENVIRONMENT. I think about their history classes and wonder if they’ll understand how hard we worked and how far we somehow still have to go.
I beg you take a look at the world around you: my world, your world, the world of those whom you don’t even represent. Can you find the humanity in their experience? Can you shift your focus to the positive output that kindness and civility has on the greater community? Can you recognize the power that exists in vulnerability and taking responsibility for the past? Can you be trusted to hold the future for us all? If you’re reading this, please respond by VOTING ACCORDINGLY/CHANGING YOUR CURRENT AD CAMPAIGN/WINK TWICE AT ME FROM THE KITCHEN (SORRY I’M WATCHING YOU READ).
Please take this as a KIND REMINDER/WARNING/BORDERLINE THREAT that we, the people, are watching. We are paying attention to your every step and we are not willing to sacrifice our progress for YOUR PROFITS/YOUR PERSONAL AGENDA/YOUR SELFIE. I look forward to you heeding my comments and working towards a better future for THE PEOPLE OF MY CITY/CONSUMERS OF YOUR SHIT/YOUR FRIENDS WHO VOTED YOU SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE PARTY.
SINCERELY/NOT GOING DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT/LYLAS,
Me
Instructions for Mailing An Analog Text Message:
Step 1. Fill it out
Step 2. Tear it out
Step 3. Fold it up
Step 4. Find an envelope
Step 5. Put it in an envelope
Step 6. Write your return address in the top left corner if you want them to write you back. If anonymous hate/revenge/stage-5-clinger mail, we suggest leaving blank.
Example: Seymour Butts
742 Evergreen Terrace
Springfield, Mass
90210
Step 7. Write the address of the recipient in the middle of front of envelope
Example: President Barack Obama
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20500
Step 8. Buy a stamp. Currently being raised to 49 cents. Still cheaper than your data plan.
Step 9. Lick stamp
Step 10. Place stamp in top right corner on front of envelope
Step 11. Walk to a mailbox. Either the big blue R2D2 looking things at the street corner or to your own mailbox.
Step 12. Place your KIND REMINDER/WARNING/BORDERLINE THREAT in the mailbox and after completed brush pretend dirt off your hands in an act of satisfied completion.